1.10.07

Dear Natasha,


if i talk. if i speak. if i say something out loud. even if no one is around. I'm letting go of something and putting a piece of me out there. where do thoughts go when they die? and why does my mind go so fast... why am i racing with myself? i have to stop me. my brain is a traitor. it thinks things that scare me. it thinks things that disgust me. my brain is my enemy. it wants things it cant have. it wants things that i don't want. my brain is a rebel. it asks questions it doesn't have the right to ask and it asks questions i don't want to know the answer to. but isn't my brain me? isn't that all i really am? i think therefore i am. so all i am... all anyone really is is that big squishy thing...the brain. the body is just a tool to help the brain. I'm just a big squishy ball. i was thinking something earlier... but I've forgotten what it was... I'm dumb.

Poisonous Rain

Its not a simple problem
its not just another quick fix
you cant believe id jump the gun
but i just sit back and wait as the bomb ticks

I'll be your mans best friend
and you'll be my everything
thats ok cuz my heart is yours to bend
i just cant stand this poisonous rain
this poisonous rain
its poisonous rain

Come down and pull me away
rhythmic beatings on my pride
i sit around waiting for that day
you'll come and tell me why it died

And ill be your mans best friend
and you'll be my everything again
but thats ok cuz my hearts still yours to bend
i just cant stand this poisonous rain

Poisonous rain
poisonous rain
and you know that
ill be your mans best friend
and youll be my everything again
but thats ok cuz my hearts still yours to break
i just cant stand this poisonous rain

This poisonous rain
this poisonous rain
poisonous rain
poisonous rain

A Glass Half Full

there is something to be said
for simplicity
for only half
for not knowing
there is virtue in silence
in wondering
in searching
and in not finding the answer
there is good in undecided
in incomplete
in broken
and in waiting forever
there is a fulfillment
found only by some
to dance with no music
to fly with no wings
to be happy without reason
for to find acceptance
within oneself
of a middle ground
of a sad truth
or of an inhuman act
is to find life
and to embrace these faults
these cracks in the surface
is to truly live life

A Little Emo-Something

I am alone. I have no one left.

Even before this last straw i knew in the back of my mind that my old ties were slowly drifting away. We stopped talking as much. We would only call each other once or twice a month... on special occasions... like distant relatives trying to protect the illusion of intimacy or familiarity even. "Promise to keep in touch? Promise to call?" but neither of us cared enough to make it happen.

At least i still had someone who i could call up when i needed help.Even after the fight, i had him. He was a friend i could always count on to make me smile...it was my fault really. I should have known better than to put myself out there like that. I should never have expected so much out of him... Ive seen how he is with the girls he dates... He treats them like shit. And yet i just got so sucked in by my own fantasy version of what was happening...

And what about her. That last person. The one who is so close to me sometimes...the person i love and relate to so well...she almost took her place. but even she admits it. She just doesn't have the time. When she has something to talk about, she can call me anytime... but i cant get the time of day can i? So now i realize how much closer she is to everyone else...how they are a closed unit and don't need me. Everyone else has that one person now. Except me.

I am alone.

Ruined

you've ruined me
made me so bitter
a haze through which i cant see
and a mind full of your litter

you've ruined me
cant you see the effect
I'm something you could never be
but soon there will be nothing left

Ive hoped and tried
Ive kicked and cried
but to you its all the same
you ll never take the blame

you've ruined me
my heart no longer whole
to this you'll never agree
but ill never get back what you stole

you ruined me
caught me in your snare
you ruined me
and i no longer care

Untitled

dont open your mouth
dont speak
dont even try
dont you know youre a freak?

stay away
stay in your place
stay away or you will pay
stay away, hide your disfigured face

look up to us, we're above you
look up to us, you know you cant stand alone
look at this, see what ypou do?
look, you cant be accepted, the seeds already sown

try, try to behave your best
try not to set them off
try? you try? you jest
try not to make them scoff

fly, fly away from this world
fly into something more
fly, like a butterfly unfurled
fly, what are you waiting for?

Real

Is this real? I ask myself. Everyday. Every moment. How can it not be real? I feel it. Everything reminds me of him. Everything. But I don’t know him. Not really. I know how I feel. I know that is real. But is he real? The image of him I keep in my head. Is that real? Everywhere I go I expect him to be there. Every time the door opens I pray its him. For a moment every new face is him. And then it’s gone. But is this all really even about him? Or is it about me. Do I want him? Or do I just want someone. Is this just some perverse need of mine? To continually have someone to obsess about? Or do I really like him?

When You Were Young

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy
To to save your from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now- here he comes

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentlemen
Like you imagined when you were young

Can we climb this mountain
I don't know
Higher now than ever before
I know we can make it if we take it slow
Let's take it easy
Easy now, watch it go

We're burning down the highway skyline
On the back of a hurricane that started turning
When you were young
When you were young

And sometimes you close your eyes and see the place where you Used to live
When you were young

They say the devil's water, it ain't so sweet
You don't have to drink right now
But you can dip your feet
Every once in a little while

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now here he comes

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentlemen
Like you imagined when you were young
When you were young

I said he doesn't look a thing like Jesus
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But more than you'll ever know

Weirdos...

“they don’t really talk to people they don’t know”
“ummm why?”
“well they don’t really like people they don’t know”
“so how do they get to know people in the first place if they don’t like them when they don’t know them and don’t talk to them?”
“uhhh… *looks thoroughly confused* Ayesha shut up you ask too many questions”

what is this??? If you don’t know someone you immediately begin to dislike them? And you don’t talk to people you don’t know…hmmm OK then. Well this explains the monosyllabic answers I get to my genuinely interested questions *puts on her “hmmm youre life is SO interesting to me” face*

“so how was your exam yesterday, I heard it was really hard”
“good”
“oh that’s nice…. I bet you studied really hard”
“no”
“oh..OK then… ummm… ill see you later…”
"*Continues to stare blankly at my chest*”

see what I mean?? I mean really you could at least have the courtesy to pretend to be listening to what I'm saying!!

“They’re a little shy is all”
“ *snorts and then chokes as the coke in her mouth goes into her nose and down her windpipe*”
“Ayesha stop laughing like a weirdo! Its NOT funny! I'm serious!”
“ *is unable to reply for obvious reasons*”

shy? I think not…more like they re spoilt little mamas boys… did I mention the hair gel?? Oh God!!! I wont even start…

“mama I can I have a new car from Japan?”
“of course beta…give mama a kissshyyy now and finish your paratha”

I kid you not!!

“my food isn’t here on time… and where is the driver???!!!” *smashes his 30 thousand rupee phone* “I waaaannnnttt fooooodddddddd!!!!*

UGH get a life!! lol ok im done…the moral of the story being… STAY AWAY FROM THESE PEOPLE!! haha...so I'm going to stop now before she kills me...

Disconnected soul
Lost in the darkness of dreams
Escapes from reality

Fake emotions reign
Fake words from all the fake hearts
Fake including me

Temporary angst
Pretenders all around me
Clichés on paper

Unreal agony
standing outside looking in
comfy in my skin

The Beginning

This is the beginning. i know how it will start, it already has started....I'm not sure what the journey will be like, or where we will be at the end.but that's OK...because it has started and that makes everything else OK...it makes living in this world bearable. I'm not even really sure what this is...what have i started? what have i gotten myself into this time? not that that matters anyhow...so here we are, at the beginning. lets make this journey count shall we?

"I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down. You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet"